* Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. 
       Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers. 

     * Waiter, what's this in my soup? 
       I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another. 

     * Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! 
       Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them. 

     * Waiter, there's a twig in my soup. 
       Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere. 

     * Waiter, there's a worm on my plate. 
       That's your sausage, sir. 

     * Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. 
       That's all right, sir, he won't drink much. 

     * Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. 
       So what do you expect me to do - call a lifeguard? 

     * Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup? 
       I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller. 

     * Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here. 
       That won't do any good, sir - he's afraid of them as well! 

     * Waiter, there's a fly in my butter. 
       No there isn't. 
       I tell you there is a fly in my butter! 
       And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it
       isn't butter, it's margarine - so there! 

     * Waiter, your tie is in my soup! 
       That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable. 

     * Waiter, your thumb's in my soup! 
       That's all right, sir, it's not hot. 

     * Waiter, my plate's wet! 
       That's not wet, sir - that's the soup! 

     * Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! 
       I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago. 

     * Waiter, do you serve crabs? 
       Sit down, sir - we serve anyone. 

     * Waiter, is this all you've got to eat? 
       No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home. 

     * Waiter, how long will my sausages be? 
       Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky. 

     * Waiter, where is my honey? 
       She left last week, sir. 

     * Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb! 
       Yes, it's very popular, sir. 

     * Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap. 
       Then that must be tea, sir - the coffee tastes like glue. 

     * Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop? 
       Can't you tell by the taste? 
       No, I can't. 
       Then what does it matter? 

     * Waiter, how long have you been here? 
       Three months, sir. 
       Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order. 

     * Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw. 
       I expect he's been in a fight, sir. 
       Well, bring me the winner! 

     * Waiter, have you got frogs' legs? 
       Certainly, sir. 
       Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak! 

     * Waiter, my bill please. 
       How did you find your luncheon, sir? 
       With a magnifying glass. 

     * Waiter, what do you call this? 
       That's been (bean) soup, sir. 
       I don't care what it's been, what is it now? 

     * Waiter, I'll have the pie, please. 
       Anything with it, sir? 
       If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and
       chisel. 

     * Waiter, I'll have my bill now. 
       How did you find your steak, sir? 
       Oh, I just move the potato and there it was. 

     * Waiter! Come here & taste this soup. 
       Where's the spoon? 
       A-ha! 

     * I'll have a glass of tea. 
       I'll have a glass of tea, too - and make sure the glass is clean. 
       (A few minutes later:) 
       Which one wanted the clean glass? 

     * Waiter, this soup tastes funny? 
       Funny? But why aren't you laughing?